Why did Br Finnian become a Brother?

Although I grew up in a church going family, I was never a religiously committed. When I was 13, I stopped going to church because I couldn’t see the point of it. Because of this I was never ‘confirmed’. While I went to a Roman Catholic high school I didn’t identify as being a member of any religion. Saying this, I remember my R.E. teacher talking about the Kingdom of God, as we were studying Mark’s Gospel for our GCSE. Something inside me said, ‘Yes’ as I heard about the Kingdom of God. So although I wasn’t ‘personally religious’ or even ‘spiritual’ something was stirring inside of me. Both of my grandmothers were daily Mass goers and several members of my family were very committed to their Christian faith. Instead of inspiring me to go to church I found their total commitment quite intimidating.

Let’s skip forwards; after the end of my 1^st year at University I went to America with the ‘Camp America’ summer exchange programme where I taught canoeing and sports to young people. I spent the summer staying in a small wooden cabin on the summer camp. I was rarely alone. However one afternoon I was. During this time I experienced being in the Presence of the LORD for the first time. It was a direct religious experience. I’d never experienced anything like this before.  This experience wasn’t a dream. I knew instinctively I’d just experienced the reality of God. No words were exchanged and I don’t know how long this experience lasted for, but I suddenly knew I had become a Christian. Quite quickly I realised I was basically starting from scratch with my Christianity. When I went back to University, I decided I should go to a church, because that’s what Christians do. The last time I’d really been a member of a church was when I was 13. I didn’t know if you were ‘allowed’ to just walk into a church, so I went with a few new acquaintances to their church. But quite quickly I threw myself into religiosity.

How so? I went to church most days, I went to a daily rosary group, I signed up for weekly Confirmation classes, I went to a midweek prayer group and I attended a weekly talk on Christian belief and practice. Overall I had the zeal of the convert. I was 20 years old at this time. Before I was confirmed I had to choose a ‘confirmation saint’. To help me the priest gave me a book of saints to choose from. When I read about St Francis of Assisi I ‘connected’ with what he was about. I knew who St Francis was already.  I liked how he didn’t just talk about religion he went out and helped people. The practical aspect of religion spoke to me alongside the call to restore the house of God.

I clearly remember the moment I felt called to be a lay Franciscan brother. I was living in St Andrews in Scotland and I was 21. As I was walking in the street towards the Canmore University Chaplaincy a very strong thought flowed through my mind, ‘Become a lay Franciscan brother’. This ‘strong thought’ seemed to be come from outside of myself, and I experienced it as a moment of ‘calling’. I have been wrestling with this moment of ‘calling’ ever since (and I’m now 38).

When I was 23 I was a tentative Inquirer with a Franciscan Community, which wasn’t SSF. It was a different community. They were happy for me to test my vocation but I realised it wasn’t the right community for me. And it wasn’t the right time for me to enter a community. When I was 25, I was a serious enquirer with a different community, this was with a contemplative community. I remember when they said I could move in I suddenly knew it was all wrong. I suddenly felt quite foolish having spent 18 months journeying with this community; but nothing is wasted and I learnt a lot from this discernment process. I then put my vocation journey to one side.

When I was 30 I had another moment where I felt drawn to join a religious community. This ultimately led me to visit the SSF friary in Leeds. The ‘friary’ was a simple terrace house where the brothers house homeless asylum seeker men and support the work of local church run charities. Something in me ‘clicked’ when I visited the friary, I found me giving my ‘Yes’ to this way of life. And suddenly after all this faffing around, I felt ready to ‘test’ my sense of vocation to the Franciscan way of life. I was now 31. I then joined the Anglican Communion and applied to join the Society of Saint Francis. I moved to Alnmouth friary to start my Postulancy in July 2016.

Since joining SSF in 2016, I’ve lived in several locations. I initially lived in Alnmouth friary for 6 months. I began as a Postulant, during this time I wore my own clothes and helped out. I remember spending quite a lot of time raking leaves and cleaning pots and pans. I also learnt how to be involved in the chapel life. I became a Novice in December 2016.

In January 2017 I moved to Glasshampton monastery for 9 months. All novices in SSF spend 9 months in ‘enclosure’. While at Alnmouth the brothers spend quite a lot of time ‘animating’ the space, bringing people into conversation, and creating a sense of community – in Glasshampton the corridors were kept silent, and all the meals were in silence. But there was an optional tea-time each day with the guests, which I particularly enjoyed. The purpose of these 9 months is to enter deeper into prayer. Novices also have a weekly class where you study the development of Christian religious life, beginning with the desert mothers and fathers. I spent quite a lot of time weeding the garden and doing outdoors-ey work, I also spent time reading. I rarely went out during these 9 months.

I was then put into a car and was driven to inner city Leeds to live with homeless asylum seeker men. All novices have an ‘urban placement’ year. This is done to provide brothers with experience of outreach in the community. During these 9 months I developed a role at the University. I spent half a day each week at the chaplaincy, which I really enjoyed. I also supported the work of several local churches. I helped start a breakfast club – where I did the ‘meet and greet’, and I supported several drop-ins at churches in the local area. I enjoy this type of work. I also popped over to Bradford once a week to support the work of the Friars of the Renewal, an American founded community of Franciscan brothers. I served beans on toast and cups of tea to the people who came to the drop-in. I learnt a lot from this experience.

I was then moved to live in our friary in east London, where we provide  temporary accommodation for up to 8 adults at a time. The brothers live off donation food at Plaistow. We collect food from shops each day and give out food to between 50 to 70 people each day. I used to go to 2 foodbanks each week, and to the friars of the renewal twice a week, where I helped run their soup kitchen and outreach to homeless men. The foodbank I went in Tower Hamlets had 600 people! It was always very busy. Being there during covid, wearing a habit, was really important – people asked amazing questions, sometimes people would ask for a blessing. Being a brother in east London was always exciting, people would come and have a chat in the street, sometimes I was asked to bless items.

I was then moved to Alnmouth friary, in May 2021, to be the new guest brother. Our primarily ministry here is hospitality to people on retreat, this is a world away from what I was doing in east London. At first I was in culture shock, but I’ve learnt I enjoy being in a structured environment.

Over the last 7 years I’ve had an array of experiences, I’ve also been through periods of formation, outreach and withdrawal. Increasingly I am very thankful I moved from discernment to testing my sense of calling.