Although I grew up in a church going family I was never a religiously
committed child. I remember being in church when I was around 7 and as
everyone was kneeling, silently praying, I thought (to God), “I’m not like
these people, you need to show yourself to me if you want me to be
like this!” When I was 13 I stopped going to church because I couldn’t see
the point of it. Because of this I was never ‘confirmed’. While I went to a
Roman Catholic high school I didn’t identify as being a member of any
religion. Saying this, I remember my R.E. teacher talking about the Kingdom
of God, as we were studying Mark’s Gospel for our GCSE. Something inside
me said, ‘Yes’ as I heard about the Kingdom of God. So although I wasn’t
‘personally religious’ or even ‘spiritual’ something was stirring inside of
me. Both of my grandmothers were daily Mass goers (R.C.) and several
members of my family were very committed to their Christian faith. Instead
of inspiring me to go to church I found their total commitment quite
intimidating. One of the reasons I didn’t want to participate in religion is
because I didn’t have what they had. Amusingly, whenever I met my ‘nana’
she would drag me to church. My nana’s church was the heart of the Irish
Catholic community in Southport. Even on a weekday they would have
around 200 people at ‘Mass’, it was a full-on communal experience, but it
never ‘clicked’ with me on a personal level.
Although I wasn’t personally religious I was genuinely quite interested in
religion. After the end of my 1 st year at University I went to America with
the ‘Camp America’ summer exchange programme where I taught canoeing
and sports to young people. I enjoyed this summer. This summer changed
my life in many ways. I spent the summer staying in a small wooden cabin
on the summer camp. I was rarely alone. However one afternoon I was.
During this time I experienced being in the Presence of the LORD for the
first time. It was a direct religious experience. I’d never experienced
anything like this before. People often ask me about what I saw. I would
say, I ‘saw’ a Luminous Presence before me, and I instinctively knew this
was the Presence of God. No words were exchanged and I don’t know how
long this experience lasted for, but I suddenly knew I had become a
Christian. Quite shortly after this experience I bought a Bible and began to
read it. I’d never sat and read the Bible before on my own. Quite quickly I
realised I was basically starting from scratch with my Christianity.

When I went back to University, I decided I should go to a church, because
that’s what Christians do. The last time I’d really been a member of a
church was when I was 13. I didn’t know if you were ‘allowed’ to just walk
into a church, so I went with a few new acquaintances to their church. Quite
quickly I threw myself into religiosity. How so? I went to church most days,
I went to a daily rosary group, I signed up for weekly Confirmation classes,
I went to a midweek prayer group on a weekday evening, and I attended a
weekly talk on Christian belief and practice. Overall, I had the zeal of the
convert. I was 20 years old at this time. Before I was confirmed I had to
choose a ‘confirmation saint’. To help me the priest gave me a book of
saints to choose from. When I read about St Francis of Assisi I ‘connected’
with what he was about. I knew who St Francis was already, but I liked how
he didn’t just talk about religion he went out and helped people.
I felt called to be a Franciscan brother when I was 21. As I was walking in
the street a very strong thought flowed through my mind, ‘Become a lay
Franciscan brother’. This ‘strong thought’ seemed to be come from
outside of myself, and I experienced it as a moment of ‘calling’. I have been
wrestling with this moment of ‘calling’ ever since (and I’m now 37).
When I was 23 I was a tentative Inquirer with a Franciscan Community, but
I realised I was too young to join a community at that time. When I was 30 I
had another moment where I felt drawn to join a religious community. This
ultimately led me to visit the SSF friary in Leeds. The ‘friary’ was a simple
terrace house where the brothers house homeless asylum seeker men and
support the work of local church run charities. Something in me ‘clicked’
when I visited the friary, I found me giving my ‘Yes’ to this way of life. And
suddenly after all this faffing around, I felt ready to ‘test’ my sense of
vocation to the Franciscan way of life. I was now 31. I applied to join the
Society of Saint Francis, and joined the Community as a Postulant in July
2016.